Elliot Minor’s ode to Hollywood A-Lister Jessica Alba is strictly Z-list.

If we take a look at some of the all-time great Jessica’s, they are beautiful. Jessica Rabbit is every male’s cartoon character of choice. Jessica Simpson is beautiful to the eyes (although not the ears). Jessica by The Allman Brothers Band is quite simply a masterpiece.

Sadly, Jessica by Elliot Minor is the token fat-friend of the group, someone who stands there with tears in her eyes and a chocolate bar in her hand while her mates get chatted up by all the boys.

If it wasn’t obvious from the Sin City style artwork on their cover or the opening gambit, the song is about Jessica Alba and all the lyrics are centred on her career and her various roles. As a result of the narrow subject matter - or infinitely more likely the lack of song writing ability of the band - this latest attempt will have people talking for all the wrong reasons.

Adding a recycled melody from their previous release Parallel Worlds, and mixing in amateurish lyrics was never going to produce a hit. They even emulated Elton John in terms of choosing the ‘It-girl’ of the moment for subject matter (Candle In The Wind anyone?). The only reason Elton succeeded is because Marilyn Monroe was dead.

To the credit of Elliot Minor, they have some skill as musicians; it’s just a shame that it is wasted hideously on songs such as this one. If I was Ms. Alba, I would sue for damage to my reputation as a direct result of people hearing this…but I doubt that these kids with their superstar wet dreams are even on her radar.